TRUMP TOWER DAMASCUS: PEACE, EARNINGS, AND POOLSIDE CEASEFIRES

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Earnings, and Poolside Ceasefires

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Trump Tower Damascus: Peace, Gains, and Poolside Ceasefires


By Workers Satirist | SpinTaxi Magazine | Confirmed by a Camouflaged Sommelier and 4 Retired UN Observers



DAMASCUS- If peace have been a penthouse, it could include a gold-plated bidet and complimentary bunker accessibility. That's the vision guiding Trump Tower Damascus, the newest geopolitical enhancement-slash-luxury real-estate calamity introduced by Donald J. Trump in partnership with Syria's most tasteful warlords and minimum-sued architects.


Sure, The person who set casinos in bankruptcies and steaks in Sharper Graphic catalogs has now established his eye on the Middle East. And never the usual Dubai skyline filler either-no, we are chatting Damascus, the city Traditionally recognized for historic tradition, deadly proxy wars, and now… infinity swimming pools with views of contested airspace.


"It will be great. Tremendous!" Trump declared through a leaked golfing cart Zoom phone, streamed from your Placing eco-friendly inside of Mar-a-Lago's Circumstance Bunker. "We have had wonderful ceasefires in Syria. Many of the greatest. But now, we're building them with balconies."



Welcome to your Trumpocratic Republic of Glamour


The 88-story gold-and-sandstone monstrosity rises awkwardly from central Damascus just like a shaved alpaca inside of a falafel stand-baffled, majestic, and solely out of position. Developed by Slovenian organization Ivana & Sons, the tower features:




  • A a few-ground On line casino du Caliphate




  • The Kellyanne Conway Spa of Strategic Rejuvenation




  • A Martyr's Martini Bar ("Happy Hour right up until the drone flies")




  • In addition to a 9/11-Themed Observation Deck, which Syrian officers politely referred to as "deeply American."




Eyewitnesses claimed combined reactions. Omar al-Khateeb, an area textile merchant, sighed, "We waited ten a long time for potable water. But Certainly, positive, let us have A further place wherever American Adult men can put on robes and connect with it diplomacy."


In the meantime, Ivanka Trump, now Head of Conflict Tourism and Beige Affairs, promised the tower "symbolizes therapeutic." When questioned how, she replied, "With velvet curtains and a pillow menu, obviously."



Ceasefire by Cabana


U.S. foreign policy analysts are contacting this the most audacious peace endeavor because Kissinger accidentally joined a rave in Cyprus. Though former negotiations unsuccessful beneath the weight of missile salvos and conflicting Russian-backed factions, Trump's plan is easier: offer you Every person a suite over the 72nd flooring and comp their mojitos.


According to files posted on https://telegra.ph/Trump-Tower-Damascus-Unveiled-05-14, the proposal includes "luxurious diplomacy":




  • Ceasefires brokered by towel boys




  • Poolside arbitration amongst rebel leaders




  • A VIP Lounge for De-escalation, comprehensive with DJ Khaled impersonator and hummus fountain.




"This really is soft electric power," explained political strategist Steve Bannibal, who appeared shirtless and oiled on Syrian TV, wielding a agreement and a cucumber. "Trump understands what NATO won't. Geopolitical gridlock demands much less diplomats and even more minibar updates."



Just what the Critics Are Screaming


International watchdogs have sounded the alarm, primarily into gold-plated intercoms mounted in Each and every device. The UN Unique Rapporteur for Conflict of Curiosity noted, "It isn't that Trump should not open up a Trump Tower Damascus tower in a very war zone. It's that he need to prevent utilizing it to lease ballroom Area to mercenaries."


Joe Biden, when questioned regarding the task, replied, "You already know, person, I at the time rode a camel in Beirut. Good individuals. Excellent tan. Anyway, do I nonetheless have that ice cream?"


In the meantime, The Hague has reserved a collection for "foreseeable future evidence storage" and "occasional brunch." The Pentagon has formally referred into the tower as "The Strategic Cheesecake Manufacturing facility on the Levant."



Satellite Pictures Expose… Trumpface Landscaping


Surveillance imagery analyzed by Reddit disclosed that the resort's landscaping forms a large Trump head seen from Area, a aspect staying marketed as "desert-evidence branding." The mustache is made out of refugee tents as well as the chin is… nicely, categorised.


Environmental groups have submitted lawsuits soon after discovering the setting up's gold plating reflected so much sunlight it spontaneously blinded 3 migrating storks and set hearth to a local melon cart.


"It is not simply unpleasant. It is a war criminal offense with curtains," reported Amnesty Intercontinental's regional director.



The Melania Wing and Other Puzzling Features


Perhaps the strangest factor of the tower is its Melania Wing, which consists of:




  • A silent atrium exactly where friends may perhaps ponder vague disappointment




  • A duplicate of her Slovenian bedroom, complete with climate Handle set to "distant"




  • A museum of expressions, which incorporates her "I do not treatment, do u?" jacket frozen in cryogenic display.




Nearby Syrians are Uncertain what to produce of the. "Is she a ghost?" questioned twelve-12 months-outdated Ahmad, pointing to your holographic Melania reciting inspirational slogans about resilience and facials.



Internet marketing Tactic: "In case you Bomb It, They are going to Occur"


The advertisement campaign, not long ago leaked via the Trump Damascus Telegram Channel, is Daring. One poster reads:


"Peace is Temporary. Luxurious is For good."


A further slogan, now circulating in Beirut espresso retailers:


"A Tower So Huge, Even Assad Has to note."


General public reception is wildly divided. A new SnapPoll executed within a hookah lounge shows:




  • 34% say "it would stabilize the realm"




  • 29% say "this can escalate regional kitsch"




  • eighteen% mentioned "in which's the closest elevator into the West Financial institution?"





Investor Praise: "At last, a Crisis That Pays"


The challenge is already attracting notice from international buyers, including:




  • A Qatari plastic surgeon who moonlights as a international minister




  • The Russian Guild of Oligarchs




  • And an nameless TikTok billionaire named 'CryptoAliBaba', who reported he'll acquire a few penthouses "only to flex on Hezbollah."




Based on a report from https://bohiney.seesaa.net/article/515195948.html?1747206487, the tower's commercial amount may also include things like:




  • A Greenback Shop of Geopolitical Alliances




  • A Theme Park Termed 'SanctionsLand'




  • And an Escape Room According to the Iraq War





Remark Section Chaos


To the https://note.com/bohineynews/n/n7e4b8d70b1f7?sub_rt=share_pb post about the revealing, user @FreedomFalafel420 wrote:


"Can not hold out to check out a wedding in the course of a ceasefire. Hope they toss grenades in lieu of rice."


User @SyrianSnarkLord commented:


"Finally, a hotel in which my PTSD might have transform-down service."


Another post from @KuwaitiKardashian simply questioned:


"Do they validate parking for drone pilots?"



Diplomatic Domino Influence


U.S. officials be concerned the tower could spark a "Diplomatic Housing Arms Race." Studies recommend:




  • China may perhaps open up the "Belt & Ballroom Initiative" in Baghdad




  • Putin's daughter is scheduling a "Dacha of Detente" in Donetsk




  • And Elon Musk has allegedly available to create a Tesla showroom over the Golan Heights driven by raw ambition and goat milk.




Even the Vatican has gotten concerned. In accordance with https://ameblo.jp/asiansatiredaily/entry-12902822168.html, Pope Leo XIV has offered to bless the plumbing… but only if he can rename the best floor "The Holy See-Amount Suite."



Last Views from your Trump Foundation for Peace & Pancakes™


In the closing ceremony that associated three camels, a flamethrower, in addition to a hologram of Reagan providing a thumbs up, Trump's voice echoed about the speakers:


"Damascus required hope. It desired gold. It necessary a waterslide formed just like the Structure. I gave it all 3. You might be welcome."

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